Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Decisions, Decisions....

Lance & I could use some prayers & guidance please! We have been struggling with the idea of me quitting work to take care of Brayden; currently I bring him to work with me & it was an ideal situation when he was younger (now that he is almost 4 months he is so old..hahaha) & slept more however now that he is more active & getting older he requires more of my attention....which I of course give him.....BUT that makes me getting my work done very hard. I manage to get it done because I just come in REALLY early in the mornings BUT is that fair to Brayden or to my employer?

Lance & I had talked over our Thanksgiving trip to Virginia about me quitting & decided that we would make our decision by 12/1/09 & we did. We made the decision that I was going to turn in my resignation & I would work until the end of the year & that would be that. We were at peace with our decision & I was excited about the new year with Brayden; I was excited about play groups & week day activities that we would do as well as all the quality time I would get with our little boy. So I talked to one of the owners yesterday morning & she understood; we both cried & I felt this tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders. BUT THEN, her husband came into my office with her to talk to me about it & when they came in they closed my door & I knew something was about to happen & it did. They have offered to pay for Brayden's day care if I stay; he said they they considered me an intricate part of the company & understood our decision but could we discuss some alternatives. I told him that I would talk to Lance about it because this is a family decision for us.

I called Lance when I left work & now we are stuck on what to do; the money for day care was never the BIG reason why we decided that I would stay home but it was A reason....you know the whole I am only working to pay for day care thing. I make more than day care costs but at the end of the day the amount left over wouldn't be that significant PLUS I wanted to be home with Brayden if at all possible.

Brayden is our pride & joy & I know that people use day cares everyday but I would LOVE to be the one with him all day everyday. I would LOVE to teach, play, cuddle, & love on him all day! I don't want to miss his first anything which I know will happen....it is inevitable that I will miss something but if he is in day care 5 days a week the changes are I will miss his first most everything & I don't want that at all! BUT all of this is what I want & not necessarily what is best for Brayden or our family.

Let's face it the economy sucks & there is no way of telling when it is going to get any better & that scares the crap out of me. what if we become a single income family & something (God forbid) happens to Lance's job? Then what would we do & where would we be? Lance says not to worry about that & he will always be able to find another place to work if that did happen & I know that to be true as well but the what ifs are killing me & driving me crazy.....

I know that Brayden would love "school" because he loves everything, he is such a happy baby & loves people.....I also know that he would thrive & learn so much there BUT I just don't know if I am prepared to be without him Monday - Friday from 6:30am - 4:30pm. That is 10 hours out of the day & by the time we get home at night he will eat, get a bath & go to bed......what kind of relationship will I have with him then??

Lance & I are going to visit the school that was our 1st choice when we were pregnant today just to look again & see what we think. My head knows that there is nothing wrong with day care & that Brayden would thrive, learn & grow well there BUT my heart is pulling at me to just stick with the decision that we had already made! I just don't know what to do & if I could again ask for all your prayers about this & PLEASE if anyone has any words of wisdom I welcome those as well.