Tuesday, June 7, 2011

What Have I Done??

When Brayden was born I thought I knew what stress was......I thought I knew what lack of sleep was.......I thought I knew what it was like to be stretched to my limits mentally & then stretched some more.  B was colicy for quite a while & his newborn stage was very difficult & some days I thought I was going to crack.  I mean who wouldn't after listening to your baby cry for hours on end & you are not able to do a thing for him??  I thought I knew what stress was, BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!

Let me start this by saying this is just a vent & I love both my boys VERY, VERY much!!  Having said that having a 22 month old & a one month old is HARD & sometimes I ask myself what did I do to our family by having 2 kids so close in age??  Brayden has had the hardest time adjusting to not being the center of my world & although he is of course getting better & even kissing Colton at least once a day now he still has his moments where he is very upset & it breaks my heart to see him like that.  If only I had a few more arms so that I could hold them both everything would be perfect; unfortunately extra arms aren't going to grow overnight so what to do?

I try not to cry when B looks at me, reaching his arms out to me saying "momma" & I am holding his brother (who doesn't nap in the afternoons very well) but it is hard not to sometimes.  He wants me to hold him too but all I can do is sit in the chair, pull him up there with us & hug him one handed & pray that it is good enough & that he knows that he is loved so much.  I know that his jealousy will fade away with time & I know in my heart of hearts that he & Colton will be the best of friends & closest of brothers & that this too will pass but my goodness it is hard.

I am alone with the boys about 95% of the time because of Lance's long work hours & although I knew & of course accept this fact I wish he was here more to help.  I let him sleep at night since he has to be 100% focused at work so I do all of Colton's nightly feedings & although sometimes I get upset that Lance doesn't help...........I don't let him.  I am tired exhausted all of the time & tend to take out my frustrations out on him & that may not be fair but it is part of being married I guess plus it is the reality of him being the only adult that I see on a daily basis!  Thankfully Lance loves me & knows that this is a rough time & also knows I don't mean to snap or fuss at him I just can't seem to help it lately.

The stresses that I have now have doubled from when it was just Brayden & not only is there stress but there is heartbreak for B too.  I would love any suggestions anyone might have on how to show B that he is just as loved & important as Colton is & that will never change.  Right now I am working on getting Colton napping better so that when he does B & I can have "our" time but what do I do until Colton's napping gets better?  He is only a month old so who knows how long it will take.

I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing & before I know it the days will get easier & the boys will be on a schedule & then they will be laughing & playing together.  They will love me no matter what & won't think I am a bad momma for holding one more than I did the other........RIGHT??  We are all going to be fine & these growing pains will be gone soon enough, I hope!