Thursday, March 10, 2011

Inner Struggles

I am my own worst enemy & my biggest critic & even though I know that is the case with a lot of people I sometimes most of the time wish I just had a little more faith & confidence in myself.  I tend to beat myself up about the majority of things that I do, make decisions regarding & especially on my parenting abilities or as I tend to see it my failures as a mom.

The biggest thing that I think makes me a "failure" as a mom is the fact the B is in daycare 2 days a week yet I call myself a SAHM; can I even call myself that since he is in daycare?  I joke to people that he is in daycare so that I can have my sanity days but the reality is those days are crazy for me & fun for him; he is there for the learning aspect of daycare but also for the social interaction that he gets with other kids.  I felt so blessed & thankful when my boss at the time told me that I could bring him to work with me; I thought "who could ask for a better scenario, right?"  Well when B was colicy all the time NOT just at night & it was at about 3 months old when I really started to have the biggest struggle with balancing getting work done while still caring for my amazing little guy...........at about 4 months I could no longer handle both & we decided that something had to change & that is when B entered daycare.  When we 1st put him in daycare we looked at several different places & fell in love with the Goddard School; that is where we enrolled him & where he has grown & thrived ever since. When we made the decision for me to be a SAHM we debated whether to remove him completely from a place that he loved & was thriving at or not & our final decision was to keep him going there for 2 days.  Even though Lance & I agreed on this together; this decision made me feel like a failure at something I hadn't even started doing.

I  think that Lance thought that B should be in daycare 1st & foremost for the social interaction but also because he is not really around much to help out like a normal husband would be with a 9-5 & weekend off type job.  Lance leaves the house at 7am & doesn't get home usually until around 8pm so he misses out on just about the whole day with our little guy; I know that there are single moms out there that do the mommy thing all by themselves day in & day out.....24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 a year & their kids turn out perfectly but I think that my hubby sees me being a married mommy that in reality is kind of a single mommy as something that daycare helps out with somehow & don't misunderstand it really does help me out tremendously BUT shouldn't he be home with me since I am home?

I do not spend my 2 days away from my little man out partying with the girls or shopping; my "2 days off" are spent in our home scrubbing, organizing & cleaning the house, running errands, lately preparing for Colton, going to prenatal doctor appts. & occasionally I will get my hair done &/or get my nails & toes done (but that is a rarity too).   I know that most of these things could be done with B at home with me or when Lance is at home but again that is really only Sundays & that is our family day so I really don't want to spend that precious & very important family time cleaning & running errands.

I have been talking to Lance about taking B out of daycare but he is kind of set against that all together & has actually been talking about B going 3 days a week soon since Colton will be arriving in 8 weeks & he thinks that it will be good for all 3 of us.  I see where he is coming from but boy when he brought this up did I feel like he thought I was a huge failure & couldn't handle being a mom.  I know that he really doesn't feel that way & I am not seeing the rational side of what he is saying because I am emotionally & physically exhausted due to the fact that I am pregnant & not sleeping AT ALL but still it hurt me to hear him say it.

We are both very worried about how B is going to react to Colton's arrival & we are both worried about changing anything (like removing him from daycare) at this point in time & would really like to keep him in his routine as much as humanly possible once C arrives so that he doesn't feel like the baby has made everything change & he feels left out or neglected in any way.  We do understand that there will of course be an adjustment period but we would like for it to be a smooth process & not one filled with unnecessary changes.  I began looking at different things a few months ago & my hope was to have B out of daycare & into some local play groups but that has been a whole different challenge.

I am not sure if I am socially retarded when it comes to meeting or talking to other moms but I really have had a difficult time finding groups that fit our schedule (maybe I am just being too picky?).  I told Lance that I will try to find some playgroups for B, C & I to join so that I can still ensure that B gets his play & social time but honestly it really has been a struggle & easier said than done.  I really can not stress how much we believe social interaction & play time with other children is at his age & (not to mention) I was also hoping to meet some other SAHM's BUT (& maybe it's just me) finding a play group to "try out" that fits our schedule has become really difficult & I would any suggestions on how do find groups for kids B's age?

All in all I guess I just needed to get these feeling & emotions out of my head & on paper so I could in turn figure them out.  I am sure that there are people that will cringe at our decisions & have there opinion's regarding our choices; so be it but I would really just like some/any helpfully suggestions & not criticism since I criticize & question myself enough!!